A Bodice Ripper Featuring Orlando Bloom (Take 2)

Posted by Wanda on January 2nd, 2008 filed in The Orlando Chronicles

(Mr. Rizzuto said part one wasn’t as hot as he thought it would be.  You can read it here.)

One night in Wanda’s boudoir….

Orlando Bloom: Well, here we are again my dear.

Wanda Rizzuto: Here we are.

OB: Sorry about last time.

WR: Don’t worry about it sweetie.

OB: So, are you ready?

WR: Did you bring condoms?

OB: Condoms? Aren’t you on the pill?

WR: Dude.

OB: Of course. Safe sex and all.  Maybe I’ll run out to Duane Reade….

WR: Please, you wouldn’t last two minutes in this neighborhood. Check my purse.

OB: OK. (Rooting through Wanda’s purse). Let’s see…Wellbutrin, Percoset, pepper spray, half-eaten half-pound bag of peanut M&M’s…what’s this? Did you know you have a warrant out for your arrest in California?

WR: They got nothing.

OB: Right…bottle of NesQuik, expired in 2004, hardcover copy of Why Being Fat Is Not A Sin, Vicodin, prescription Aleve, 12-pack of bobos…

DR: Mom! Janey set the dog on fire again!

JR: Kiss doggy!

WR: YOU KIDS SETTLE DOWN OR I’M TAKING OFF MY BELT! I’m terribly sorry darling. Did you find them yet?

OB: Yes, here they are. So. Are you ready for a night of burning, unbridled passion?

WR: You bet.

OB: Here’s a move I saw in a Jenna Jameson movie….

WR: I don’t think so creep.

OB: Oh. OK. Well, I brought a few toys with me. I think I saw some triple A batteries in your purse….

WR: Not in this lifetime you don’t.

OB: No? Uh…why don’t you face the other way and I’ll just get my handcuffs…

WR: Not!

OB: Well, what do you want to do then?

WR: I don’t know. I’ll just lay here, you figure it out.

OB: What kind of fantasy is this anyway? I thought you Catholic girls were supposed to be wild and uninhibited!

WR: Someone’s going to hell for telling you that lie. Gimme the remote.

OB: Oh, I get it. Spice Channel?

WR: No, Iron Chef America.

OB: I don’t understand. You want to watch Iron Chef during sex?

WR: Oh, you don’t understand? Well let me explain it to you Mr. Movie Star! I work over 50 hours a week and I have to come home to two dogs, a husband, and two savage children. I’m tired, OK? I multitask, OK? Excuse me for living, OK?

OB: But I….

WR: (Crying)  You’re so insensitive!

OB: But…but….

WR: (Sobbing) You don’t appreciate meeeeeee!

OB: Oh no, please don’t cry! I ….

Mr. Rizzuto: Don’t worry about her, she just forgot to take her Wellbutrin again.

OB: Wha? You again? What are you doing here?

MR: I live here. Can you guys keep it down? I have to work in the morning. Move over.

OB: But it’s only 9:30!

MR: Damn, it’s later than I thought!

OB: Oh bollocks! Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but I’m contractually obligated to have nasty sex with your wife. Give me a few minutes, there’s a good man!

MR: My wife? My wife fell asleep five minutes ago.

WR: Mmmm…Percoset….

OB: Oh.  Damn.  I’m not into that.

MR: Eh, you get used to it.

OB: Does she always drool like that?

MR: Yes. Wanna smoke a bowl and watch South Park?

OB: Which one is it?

MR: The one with Jennifer Lopez.

OB: Oh, yay! Taco flavored kisses!

MR: Hee hee! Hey wait a sec, you’re not gay or anything are you?

OB: Um…no.

MR: Just checking.


23 Responses to “A Bodice Ripper Featuring Orlando Bloom (Take 2)”

  1. Pandemonic Says:
    January 2nd, 2008 at 10:37 am

    Oh, my.

    At least all of you were heavily medicated!

  2. Tigereye Says:
    January 2nd, 2008 at 11:55 am

    Vicodin! Percocet! M&Ms! My God, you’re the friend I’ve been waiting for all my life!

    I’m going to do what I always do: re-imagine this episode, starring me and Colin Farrell. Can I borrow your handcuffs? Mine are at John’s.

    I can’t believe I just said that.

  3. Wanda Says:
    January 2nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    But you don’t have a 2-year-old pyromaniac.

  4. Danae Says:
    January 2nd, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    Hahaha I love how u said he wouldn’t last two minutes in your neighborhood

  5. Stevo Says:
    January 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    I once knew someone who’s purse contents were amazing similar to yours.

  6. Anners Says:
    January 3rd, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    * I like the drooling part the best. Wanda, you are so cute!

    * I want to squee.

  7. Either Orlando Says:
    January 3rd, 2008 at 2:38 pm

    Dont worry, Mr Rizzuto has to leave the house sometimes.

  8. Holly Says:
    January 3rd, 2008 at 4:13 pm

    I am never reading your blog while drinking (coffee or anything else) again! LMAO!

  9. Wanda Says:
    January 3rd, 2008 at 4:26 pm

    Hi Holly, thanks for stopping by. Tell your friends!

  10. Shadodottir Says:
    January 3rd, 2008 at 11:13 pm

    Wanda, your purse puts Mary Poppins’ bag to shame!

  11. Ina Says:
    January 4th, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    I’m glad you scolded me for forgetting you. I’m glad I came here and giggled all over my keyboard.

    Please come scold me more frequently. I don’t ignore you on purpose, you know.

  12. Wanda Says:
    January 4th, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    Yes, I know. We just have to teach you about RSS feeds.

  13. Janers Says:
    January 5th, 2008 at 12:29 am

    Found this a mixture of disturbing and hilarious.

    Mr Rizzuto doesn’t like sharing his bed with the gays?

    I laughed extra hard when u said Orlando was ‘rooting through your handbag’.

  14. Jodie Says:
    January 5th, 2008 at 4:40 am

    Does rooting mean the same thing in the US as it does in Oz?

  15. Wanda Says:
    January 5th, 2008 at 10:23 am

    What does it mean over there? Wait, never mind. I don’t wanna know.

  16. Wanda Says:
    January 5th, 2008 at 10:27 am

    Oh, and Mr. Rizzuto would love to share the bed with a gay person. He would just prefer a gay woman. Or a couple of them

  17. Janers Says:
    January 5th, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    I don’t think so Joders.

    Wanda it’s kinda like u said he was shagging thru your purse.

    Hehe, yes I know I’m immature.

  18. Jodie Says:
    January 5th, 2008 at 9:34 pm

    That’s just made this bodice ripper even more hilarious! I figured that’s what you were alluding to in your earlier comment Janers.
    Wanda, you’re even funnier than you thought!

  19. Random Name Says:
    January 6th, 2008 at 11:28 am

    How do you and Mr. or Orlando, or whomever, ever manage to actually do the deed? After all, you have to stop laughing for a while while you get it off or get it on.

  20. Wanda Says:
    January 6th, 2008 at 11:58 am

    I never laugh Random, ergo the title of my blog. I’m just happy debasing myself for others’ enjoyment.

  21. Random Name Says:
    January 7th, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    Oh, I thought you had a fetish for dead pots. Maybe Orlando does? At least dead poets?

  22. Deadpan » A Bodice Ripper Featuring Orlando Bloom (Take 1) Says:
    January 9th, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    […] Click here for part 2 […]

  23. orlando bloom Says:
    March 27th, 2008 at 9:54 am

    […] […]

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