I’ve been thinking a lot about weddings lately.  Specifically, Hollywood weddings.  I got to wondering, could it be true what they say about celebrity romances being fake publicity stunts?  Surely not, you say?  Well, take a gander at what I found out from our friends at the always informative (and reputable) Slate Magazine.

“…(F)rom the ’20s until the studio system disintegrated in the ’60s, the bosses—who exercised absolute authority over their actors—fabricated fake dalliances and exploited real ones for two purposes: first, to create new stars by attaching them to established ones, and second, to cover up the homosexuality or potentially tarnishing behavior of a star.”

Viggo!

“The studios developed crude but effective techniques for selling an affair to the media and public. Studio heads ordered starlets to appear with more established actors at Hollywood nightspots.”

“Straight celebrities frequently use relationships to burnish their own careers. Actors understand that the public likes to see celebrities together, and that dating a “civilian” has no Hollywood cachet.”

No cache.

“When a less famous actress dates a leading man, his fame rubs off on her. (’Dating up,’ that’s called.)”

Cache!

“One critical side benefit of dating up: The less famous celeb may get access to the famous one’s more powerful agent and manager.”

Well I never even thought of that!

“What kind of dating helps a celebrity most? MSNBC’s Scoop Columnist Jeannette Walls has constructed a dating hierarchy: At the top are “major royalty” (that is, Prince William). Next are movie stars, then TV stars, then minor royalty. At the bottom: rock stars. (Rock stars, after all, will date anyone. Rock stars date porn stars.)”

You don’t say.

“How do you create and then exploit your celebrity romance?

“If you haven’t found your celebrity love, arrange it: Jennifer Aniston had her publicist call Brad Pitt’s publicist to ask for a date. Once it’s started, promoting it is simple. You should appear together at semi-private places—in a back room at the Los Angeles’ Ivy restaurant, or at the New York club Bungalow 8, or anywhere that Tobey Maguire is.”

Semi-private.  Check.

“When you’re photographed there, feign annoyance and express surprise that anyone would see you. A joint appearance at a Lakers or Knicks game (depending on your coast) is useful fodder for the tabs.”

Annoyance and surprise.  Check.

Start engaging in very public canoodling—in your car, in clubs, at restaurants. ‘You should hold hands and gaze lovingly no matter what the situation,’ says Walls.

Public canoodling.  Check. Hand holding.  Check.

When quizzed about the relationship, issue an ostentatious denial through your publicist: “They are just close friends.” If public interest flags, have a friend drop a leak to Us or the tabloids: “They couldn’t keep their hands off each other on the set. …”

Ostentatious denial.  Check.  Can’t keep our hands off each other.  Check.

It is generally considered a bad career move to allow celebrity dating to progress to marriage (ruh ro). When a sexy actor marries, it dims his hot image. When a sexy actress marries, it’s even worse. The story gets boring for the public: The tantalizing fear and doubt and curiosity about whether the couple will survive dissipates. Both members seem suddenly duller.

Craaaaaaap!  Now you tell us!

Oh well.  I guess being boring isn’t the worst thing in the world that can happen to a celebrity couple. 

Is it?

Now aren’t you feeling smarter already?  I know I am!  There’s just one thing I’d add to this discussion:

Never let the hecklers see you sweat.

 (Disclaimer:  I don’t really think Whorelando Bloom is gay.  I just like saying VIGGO!)

Hello, my excellent readers! I’m here today with our friend Maryann Kerrpinsky to discuss a very important, serious issue. You all remember Maryann, don’t you?

Let’s get on with the interview, shall we?

Wanda Rizzuto: Hello and welcome back Maryann.

Maryann Kerrpinski: Hello Wanda. I’m very glad to be here, I just wish it was under happier circumstances.

WR: I understand completely. Tell me, what brings you here today?

MK: I’m here with a dire warning to all of your readers. I have been the victim of a group of internet bullies.

WR: No! That’s outrageous!

MK: Yes it is. They have invaded my personal private Twitter page (you know how fiercely private I am) and insulted me for no reason. I was just minding my own business when they came along and attacked me. I wasn’t talking to them or anything.

WR: I’m so sorry that happened to you, Maryann.

MK: I’m a poor innocent victim, Wanda. I tried to defend myself by starting my own blog. I figured I’d give them a taste of their own medicine, but they’re so stupid they didn’t get it.

WR: No?

MK: Some people are too think to understand satire. I had to explain it to them and everything. The whole thing made me so tired I went home and drowned my sorrows in rioja.

WR: I’m sorry to hear that. Not everyone can appreciate your sense of humor I guess.

MK: My jokes are very caustic and high brow. I watch Monty Python, you know. Would you like to see my rendition of the Ministry of Silly Walks skit?

WR: Thank you, no. I’ve seen you on the runway.

MK: Suit yourself. Anyway, I’ve prepared a few remarks. May I?

WR: Please do.

MK: Thank you. Ahem. Friends, we live in dangerous times. No one is safe from the viciousness of fat, jealous, tore up old haters. We must stand together to stop them NOW! If not us, who? If not now, when? We must treasure ourselves and be a shining example to young girls. Say no to tyranny, in our schools, our churches, and even the internet. Yes, the internet! You and I must…Wanda? Wanda! Please stop playing with your IPad and pay attention!

WR: I’m sorry.

MK: Conspicous wealth isn’t fashionable anymore, Wanda. You should be more down to earth and humble like me. No offense.

WR: Oh, none taken! And this isn’t an IPad. It’s a new and much more useful gadget. It’s called IScreencap. You ought to think about getting one to help you with your internet stalker problem.

MK: I am very intrigued! Tell me more.

WR: OK. Let’s say you’re being attacked by some internet bullies who are saying terrible things about you or your friends. And let’s say these people, in a pathetic attempt to make themselves look like innocent victims, make their Twitter accounts private.

MK: uhhuh….

WR: And let’s say these psychos tried to scare you with a bunch of empty threats. They know who you are, they’re going to sue, they have your IP address, etc. etc. You get the picture.

MK: uhhuh….

WR: Well, with I Screencap you’d have all the documentary evidence you needed to defend yourself! Wanna give it a whirl?

MK: …well…I’ve prepared a few remarks…

WR: Oh, come on! Just click that button right there, the one that says “We got you, booyah!”

MK: Well OK….

WR: Now, just give it a second to load. There we go!

WR: You’re looking a little pale there, Maryann. Hey, what are you doing?

MK: Oh nothing. I’m just testing the memory capabilities of the IScreencap.

WR: Well, you won’t get rid of those files with a chalkboard eraser. I have all of these and lots more on my hard drive at home anyway. But I interrupted you, didn’t I? What were you saying?

MK: Umm…gogi berry?

WR: No, no. You were saing something about tyranny.

MK: Oh. Right, tyranny…and gogi berries…and…Wanda? I’d really like to do my silly walk now.

WR: *sigh* Whatever Maryann. The exit is right over there. Give it up for Maryann Kerrpinski, folks!

Let’s get on with the interview, shall we?

Wanda Rizzuto:  Hello and welcome back Maryann.

Maryann Kerrpinski:  Helo Wanda.  Eyem verri glaad to bee heir, eye jest wesh itt wuz undir hapyer sirkumstanzes.

WR:  I understand completely.  Tell me, what brings you here today?

MK:  Eyem heir weth a dyre warrning too awl uf yor reederz.  Eye haf bin tha viktem of a groop uf internetz bulleez.

WR:  No!  That’s outrageous!

MK:  Yes itt iz.  Thay haf invaydid mie perrzonel pryvate twitur payge (yoo now hau feerslee pryvate eye yam) and innsultid mei fore now reezin.  Eye wuz jusst mynding mie oun bizznes wen thay kayme alongk and ataked mie.  Eye wuzzint tawlking tu thim orr anneethink.

WR:  I’m so sorry that happened to you, Maryann.

MK:  Eyem a pour innicint vicktim, Wanda.  Eye tryde too duhfend myeself bye starttin mye oun blawg.  Eye figgurd eye’d giv thum a tayste uf thayr oun medisyne, butt thayr so stoopid thay diddnt gett itt.

WR:  No?

MK:  Sum peeple r tu thik tu understannd satyre.  Eye haad to explayn itt to thim an vreething.  Tha hole thingg mayde mee so tyrid i wnt hom an dround mie sorowz in reeohah.

WR:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Not everyone can appreciate your sense of humor I guess.

MK:  Mie jowkes r verri kawstick and hi brau.  Eye watsch montee piethan, yoo noe.  Wood yoo lyke too sie mie rendishin uf tha minisstree uf silli waulks skitt?

WR:  Thank you, no.  I’ve seen you on the runway.

MK:  Soot urself.  Anieway, eyeve pripeared a fyoo reemarcks.  Maye eye?

WR:  Please do.

MK:  Thanck yoo.  Eehhem. Frendz, wee liv inn dangeris tymes.  Noe won is sayfe frum tha vishissness uf fat jellis towr upp olde hatrz.  Wee musst standd twogethur tu stopp thim NOWE!  Iff nott uss, hoo?  Iff nott nowe, wen?  Wee musst treshur owrselfs an bee a shyning eckampul too yung gurls.  Sae noe too teeraknee, inn owr skools, owr churhiz, and evin tha internetz.  Yess, tha internetz!  Yoo and eye musst…Wanda?  Wanda!  Pleez stopp plaing wif yoor eyepad and pae atentichin!

WR:  I’m sorry.

MK:  Konspickuis welth iznt fashinabel animor, Wanda.  Yoo shud bee mor doun to earf and humbil lyke mee.  Noe ofens.

WR:  Oh, none taken!  And this isn’t an IPad.  It’s a new and much more useful gadget.  It’s called IScreencap.  You ought to think about getting one to help you with your internet stalker problem.

MK:  Eye yam verri intreeged!  Tel me mor.

WR:  OK.  Let’s say you’re being attacked by some internet bullies who are saying terrible things about you or your friends.  And let’s say these people, in a pathetic attempt to make themselves look like innocent victims, make their Twitter accounts private.

MK:  uhhuh….

WR:  And let’s say these psychos tried to scare you with a bunch of empty threats.  They know who you are, they’re going to sue, they have your IP address, etc. etc.  You get the picture.

MK:  uhhuh….

WR:  Well, with I Screencap you’d have all the documentary evidence you needed to defend yourself!  Wanna give it a whirl?

MK:  …wel…ey’ve preepeared a fyoo reemarcks….

WR:  Oh, come on!  Just click that button right there, the one that says “We got you, booyah!”

MK:  Wel ok….

WR:  Now, just give it a second to load.  There we go!

WR: You’re looking a little pale there, Maryann.  Hey, what are you doing?

MK:  O nuthing.  Eyem jusst testink tha memmorie caypabilliteez uf tha i skreenkap.

WR:  Well, you won’t get rid of those files with a chalkboard eraser.  I have all of these and lots more on my hard drive at home anyway.  But I interrupted you, didn’t I?  What were you saying?

MK:  Umm…gogee burri?

WR:  No, no.  You were saing something about tyrany.

MK:  O.  Rite, teeraknee…an gogee burreez…and…Wanda?  Eye’d rilly lyke tu du mye sillie wauk nowe.

WR:  *sigh* Whatever Maryann.  The exit is right over there.  Give it up for Maryann Kerrpinski, folks!

Fuck you, Whorelando Bloom, and the horse you rode in on.

It’s a new record folks!  Usually when the pitiful engagement rumors come out it takes at least a day or two before they’re shot down again.  But not today!  Today the denials were on my Google alerts before my eyes made a full 360 in my head.  One the headlines even said that the engagement rumors were confirmed, and when I clicked on it it said they were denied.  What kinda shit is that?

Can someone please, please PLEASE explain to me what the point of this exercise is?  If it’s to get attention, I’d say they failed miserably.  Whoever said there’s no such thing as bad publicity never ran into these two.  Observe some goings on on the internets:

Two Boring Pretty People Are Probably Engaged

And the reactions:

The top half of her face looks pushed in. He’s too much of a pretty boy.

Didn’t he have the same round of engagement rumors when he was dating that scrawny blonde chick?

And Miranda Kerr shouldn’t marry a dude who makes her look like a plain jane. He’s prettier than her, even sans makeup.

LOL I agree. He looks like he is trying not to puke. Though that is better than looking like he wants to commit suicide.

Also, this a bearding contract. Who honestly can’t tell he is into the peen?

which of those 2 have a penis?

Eh. If this were 2001 and Lord of the Rings was still the hotness people might care. But it isn’t and Orlando Bloom just another non-entity star no ones gives two sh-ts about.

Side note Miranda needs to start sleeping with those lotion gloves. In a few years she’s going to be giving Madge a run for her money.

I could go on.  And I will.

Jeebus! I had no idea she was that hideous underneath all the Photoshop… gah

Hollywood has been trying to PR us into thinking he is a star, but it just ain’t working.

I don’t care who he’s fucking because him alone makes me want to yawn.

And this is just double the displeasure in my book.

I can’t muster the energy to care about these two.

Yeah, reading about these 2 makes me want 3 more cups of coffee.

WHY IS THIS 70 POUND GIRL DRESSING LIKE FUCKING BARBARA WALTERS

Um,….well,….*zzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

WHAT DO ALL THEM SKINNY WHORES GET FOR PRETENDIN’ TA BE DATIN’ THESE GAY DUDES?!? THIS CHICK’S CAREER AIN’T NO BETTER FOR BEARDIN’ THIS MIDDLE EARTH ELF QUEEN!!

And a few quotes from some bloggers:

Here we go again. For the umpteenth time a report has surfaced that Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are engaged. Woman’s Day magazine is claiming that Bloom popped the questions in Morocco. Miranda Kerr’s brother Matthew confirmed the news.

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr may be engaged, for like the 100th time. Yes, this story is the Groundhog Day of celebrity gossip.

You get the picture. 

(Speaking of brother Matthew, is this the guy they’re talking about?

They know that Matty’s on his way;
He’s loaded lots of guns and knives on his sleigh.
And every JJ shipper is going to spy,
To see if KayC33 really knows how to cry.

Hmm.)

Anyway.  Enough.  Enough already.  I’m begging you to stop.  This isn’t fun anymore.  If I said I would stop making dingho jokes would you stop?  How about if I gouged my eyes out with a spork?  Would you stop then?  Whorely?  I’ll stop calling you Whorely and insinuating that you’re gay, OK?  You get back to me on that.